I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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