There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
