Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
