Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
