True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
