I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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