this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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