So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
