We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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