so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
