I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
