I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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