He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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