found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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