I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
