I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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