thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
