Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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