During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
