he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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