I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
