Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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