screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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