it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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