btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
