when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize