John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
