The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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