The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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