i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Mom said you looked used
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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