I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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