after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
