Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
