I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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