I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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