I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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