His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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