Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
