I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
