Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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