apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
