God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
