so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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