There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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