I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
