got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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