he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
