i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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