If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
