Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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