She's JV to your varsity
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
