new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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