if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
