Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
love makes seman taste better
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
