I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
