her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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