I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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