I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
