The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
