ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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