Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
