Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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